Making Friends...

This post may get deleted soon after its publishing, but I'll see where it ends up...

The weather here has cleared up this week which has been a great relief as it means that the toddler and I have managed to get out. In doing so, we've managed to meet a few people, which is unusual for me. I know I'm not the world's most approachable person, but apparently having a child makes that less so. And socialising has never been a strength of mine; I've always struggled to befriend people, and I've always felt like I've had to make twice the effort at something that seems to just come so naturally to others. (Bit of background: I suffered from a semi-serious period of social anxiety some years ago. It got so bad that some days I couldn't get out of the house, let alone come face to face with another person. I'm OK now, however this anxiety is something I've always had and will always have, I have just had to find strategies to deal with it in order to lead something that resembles a normal life. I don't mind talking about this as I feel like mental health is something that should be talked about more; it's horrible that so many people suffer mental illnesses, yet they go unseen and often ignored because we're too afraid to talk about it or we don't think it should be talked of.) 

Having said all this, though, I am trying to be as approachable and as friendly as I can be, as we didn't know anyone when we moved here and I felt like it would be unfair to our toddler if he wasn't able to be around other kids and make his own friends as soon as he could. He doesn't go to daycare, so I feel like it's important for him to be around other kids and toddlers.

But on the other side, this is very difficult for me.

I've become worried and fretful of late that my child is exhibiting personality traits similar to my own. Which is the last thing I wanted for him. I was a very shy, insecure child who would prefer to sit on her mother's lap than get up and join in with other children. (My husband on the other hand was the complete opposite (according to his mother), and would play with other kids perfectly fine. Still, he is the last person to ever be perturbed by others.) Although he's not as bad, the little man is growing into a gentle soul, which may sound lovely, but he gets shoved around quite a bit. 

I'm not really sure what this has to do with our move and our life here. I'm sure this would be the case wherever we lived. 

Growing up, befriending people was hard. I either fell into the "wrong" group/s of people, or I just had a hard time and became depressed. I didn't get bullied in the sense that I was pushed around and called names. It was more that I was just ignored. I often wouldn't get invited to things, or I was the person who would be asked to take photos of friendship groups; the person not in the photos. As I got older, I felt like I had to yell twice as hard just to befriend people and even be noticed. I still feel that way. I'm not sure what it is about me that makes me - apparently - easy to ignore or easy to forget, but nevertheless, that seems to be the case. But whatever. I'm 32. I just deal with it now. But when you see your child getting treated in a similar manner, it makes your blood boil. 

Children can be mean. I had an urge to get angry at a group of girls who were about four the other day as they clearly didn't want my 18 month old to be playing around them. And in typical him style, he let them push him around a bit before I got up and walked away, knowing he'd follow. 

I know these treatments of kids by kids isn't isolated to the US. Heck, I've only been here a few weeks; I didn't grow up here! But having made a fresh start, I wanted it to be just that: a fresh start with no baggage from the past or whatever. But unfortunately, it seems like some of my less desirable traits may have followed us here, and I'm feeling somewhat angry about that.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging about this. Like I said, this may get deleted once I get a bit of sense back, but for the moment, it kind of feels a bit therapeutic to write about it and just get it off my chest. Perhaps I'm just a bit angry and need a bit of a vent. Either way, it's here for now, but may be deleted when I wake up in the morning. Whatever I write next should be much happier.